Playing small and hiding because you’re SCARED of being who you were MEANT TO BE

I’ve struggled with my confidence and self-esteem for many years.

I didn’t have the confidence to put myself out there, and be visible professionally (and in my personal life)…

For many years I worked as a TV journalist, and I used my work as an excuse not to date, and put myself out there. I said I would rather go on an “embed” to Afghanistan (be embedded with US troops and report from the frontline) than go on a date. 

I travelled around the world without using a plane. I sailed the Pacific in a leaky boat. I took the Trans-Siberian train across Russia.

I lived in Iraq, China, North Korea, Thailand and Paris. 

I did all these things – ALONE. 

I was frightened to let anyone in. There’s a box of photos of me travelling around the world without using a plane, and my adventures as a TV reporter, but I don’t ever talk about these experiences, and I certainly don’t SHOW ANYONE the photos. My husband has never seen them, and it was something that I’ve put in a box and didn’t discuss.

I was ashamed of the person that I was.

My journey in self-development is ever evolving, but I do know that learning to love myself was a huge part of my journey and my confidence (and my eventual weight-loss). 

When I look at the photos, I see a lonely and unhappy woman starring back at me.  I was just ashamed of the small, unhappy woman that I was in my 20s, despite my larger proportions.

The photo on the LEFT is taken about 15 years ago.

And the photo on the RIGHT was taken a few months ago.  

I’m a completely different woman in each photo.

On the left, I having an amazing experience travelling on the Trans-Siberian Railway across Russia by myself. Despite the adventure, I was a deeply unhappy and lost little girl.

What makes me sad is that I spent much of my 20s lacking in any self-worth and self-confidence. I passed myself up for opportunities because of the way that I felt about myself. I avoided relationships, career opportunities and experiences. I didn’t feel good enough, and worthy enough and thin enough.

I pressed the pause button on my life, and didn’t grow mySELF.

My only comfort was eating. It was a shield to stay small, and not shine my light. Food was my comfort blanket, and my friend when I felt lonely.

I learned about these new thinkers like Wayne Dyer, who taught me to believe in miracles, and Louise Hay who showed me how to reprogramme my thinking. Eckhart Tolle taught me to loose these layers of loneliness and pain that I had been carrying for years since childhood. Marianne Williamson taught me to shine my light brightly, and see my soul as sacred.

How I changed my relationship with mySELF

I learned that unless I loved myself, then any diet wasn’t going to work. I learned that unless I loved myself, I was going to go through life being miserable and playing small despite my outward appearance.

Changing your relationship with your self, and your body takes time. I ate to fill the void of loneliness and pain, and unless I tackled those feelings, I was just going to plug the hole with something (food, or drink, or drugs or whatever).

Learning to love yourself takes real work, and sometimes requires us to go to the places in our minds that we would rather avoid… but healing our pain can enable us to move forward.

I learned that you can eat the most amazing delicious healthy food, and I changed my way of eating. My dear friend Jennifer at HealthyBliss taught me how to rethink my relationship with food. 

And I learned that I could be good at yoga, and I began to go everyday, and before long I went from being the unhappy girl in the corner, to be woman at the front doing the balancing poses with ease and grace.

MIRROR, MIRROR

I began by doing mirror work… standing in front of the mirror and staring at myself and repeating: “I love and accept myself” (thank you, Louise Hay). I felt a complete idiot, but you know what, it began to work.

Yes I have changed on the inside and out. I’m still the same soul, the same little girl with the same fears, but I’ve learned to love and accept ME.

Today is the perfect day to begin accepting you.